


you'll know when i'm ready

by Sandburrial



Series: half doomed [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Childhood Friends, Coming Out, Getting Together, M/M, One Shot, although u should it's kinda good i'm biased, anyway yeah! here it is, had a blast writing this, half doomed and semi-sweet series, hi me again, i had never written for this ship, iwaoi - Freeform, so these are the same oikawa and iwaizumi from half doomed, throughout their lives up to a point, u don't need to have read half doomed and semi-sweet to understand this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-02-23 09:10:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23609080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sandburrial/pseuds/Sandburrial
Summary: This is a story about how Oikawa and Iwaizumi worked with the fact that they were always meant to be.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Series: half doomed [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1699354
Comments: 9
Kudos: 53





	you'll know when i'm ready

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!!! I doubt anyone who read the original work in this series will actually read this, but it doesn't matter! I hope whoever stumbles upon this has a great time :)
> 
> Long section of italicized text means it is from the original story and is more of an add-on to that scene. The context is all there still!

The earliest memory that Oikawa remembered included Iwaizumi. He was maybe 4 and a half, maybe 5, that he didn't exactly remember. They'd been climbing trees and jumping down of branches like they often did, as they were too young to play Oikawa's older sister's games or focus on a board game for more than 5 minutes. So, outside it was, as usual.

Iwaizumi was bigger than Oikawa was, but the latter had a touch more recklessness in his veins. He would jump down from greater heights, always testing his limits and purposefully scaring Iwaizumi.

"Tooru-chan," Iwaizumi called from the ground, staring up at Oikawa and squinting in the sun, "get down or I'm calling your mommy!"

"Okay," Oikawa replied as he stuck his tongue out and jumped. There were two cracks after that: the branch he'd been standing on hitting the ground, and Oikawa's leg.

The tears started instantly. There wasn't much else to do when you were a child and you hurt yourself, it was like your entire world came crashing down.

Iwaizumi rushed to his side, sporting an angry pout that made his cheeks look puffy. "I told you it's dangerous!"

Oikawa kept crying, holding his leg in his hands as the skin around his knee turned a darker shade of red with every second that passed. Iwaizumi sighed before he turned his back to Oikawa, grabbed his non-injured leg and got him to put his arms around his neck. Carefully, as he stood up, he picked up Oikawa's other leg, and the little boy's cries were interrupted by a sharp scream that had definitely alerted their moms that something had happened.

Iwaizumi carried a crying Oikawa to his front porch, letting him down slowly as their mothers rushed outside.

That was Oikawa's earliest memory. He barely remembered the hospital, the scolding and the cast. But he remembered the day he sprained his ankle and broke his knee, because he remembered Iwa-chan carrying him home on his back.

-

Oikawa was 8 years old when he first realized he was in love with his best friend. He didn't think much of it, actually he thought nothing of it. It just was how it was.

One day when his mother picked him up from school, he was oddly silent, staring out the window and scowling. His mother turned the radio off and turned to look at him when they were stopped at a red light.

"Honey?" She asked worriedly. "Did something happen today?"

Oikawa sighed, keeping his eyes locked on the glass. His teenage years were still far away, but the attitude was already there.

"Our teacher asked us how we saw each other in 20 years and she told me I couldn't marry Iwa-chan," he said sombrely, in a way that was way too adult. His disappointment wasn't the childish, spoiled kind.

The light turned green, but his mother didn't move the car. "She said that?"

Oikawa turned to look at his mother, confused by how upset her voice sounded. "Yes," he replied politely.

"Well," she continued, finally driving past the light and down the street, "it's not her business to tell you that."

Oikawa smirked victoriously, but it fell quickly. She hadn't denied it, so it was probably true.

When you asked him how long he had been in love with Iwaizumi, Oikawa would always say "for as long as I remember". But the true answer was, since he was 8 years old.

-

Iwaizumi had been in love with Oikawa since he'd been 15 years old. It had taken him by surprise, revealing itself to him on a cold Monday night, wrapped in a blanket while Oikawa tried to throw popcorn in his mouth. It had creeped up on him and slashed his throat in the middle of a basement family room.

He pretended like nothing had happened on that night, and for a year more after that. He kept his cool, thinking it was the hormones making him crazy at first. He barely knew any girls, they all flocked to Oikawa like prey birds who hadn’t had scraps to eat in weeks, so it was hard to gain interest in any of them.

He had pretended like that for a year, seeing him every day at school, and every night at volleyball practice, and every weekend for sleepovers. He kept his lips locked tightly, his gaze fixed ahead, and his hands clenched into fists. He tried not to fall deeper, refused to think about it, spending each moment with Oikawa trying not to think about Oikawa.

By the end of that year, he was faulting his lack of sociability with other people, so he tried to meet new people, to make friends. It worked well, their team became closer and he made friends, but everywhere he went, Oikawa came along, and everyone Iwaizumi spoke to, Oikawa did as well. So, yes, he had made friends, but now Oikawa had the exact same friends he had.

During that year, Oikawa had been dating different girls on and off, but that didn't bother him very much. It would never last, it was shallow, and he would barely hang out with the girls. The thing that broke Iwaizumi, the thing that made him unable to cope, or even to look at his friend in the eye, was when Oikawa came out.

He made a whole thing of it, making sure the whole school knew it was true after a rumour broke out. The worst thing of all was, he'd been dating a boy for a week before he came out, and Iwaizumi had no idea about it. Oikawa had been more secretive for a couple of months, but Iwa wasn't the snoopy type so he hadn't put his nose in his business. Now that he knew how much had been shielded from him by his best friend, he couldn't help his anger.

There wasn't a dry-eyed girl in the school that day, so much so that Iwaizumi wondered if some of them were more affected by this than he was. He'd been kept in the dark, pining for months and months over a boy he thought that he could never date, never love freely, never satisfy... and he was being proven wrong, but _oh so right_ at the same time.

He wasn't Oikawa's first choice, big whoop. Iwaizumi wasn't as pretty or tall as his best friend was, and he actually didn't even consider himself to be in the same league as Oikawa. Hell, they weren't even playing the same game.

Oikawa knew nothing of his feelings. Maybe if he'd known, Iwaizumi would've been his first choice. But that was only a maybe, and he knew better than to dwell on a maybe. The boy Oikawa was dating was a year older than them, and captain of the rowing team. Next to him, Iwa looked like an angry troll.

He tried to keep pretending everything was okay, but Oikawa was growing distant even quicker than Iwaizumi was. Maybe that was for the best, he thought.

-

Oikawa's first hard-hitting break-up happened when he was 17. He hadn't loved any of the girls he had ever dated before, and they were nice and all, but they were nothing but hobbies.

This, though. This hurt so bad, and he didn't know where the pain was coming from. He was usually so good at making the pain go away, whether it was his bad knee acting out or his chronic headaches because he refused to wear his glasses, he always knew just what to do. And that was letting Iwa-chan fix it.

He hadn't seen Iwazumi for weeks outside of practice, and he hadn't told him about his boyfriend being accepted in a college overseas. It was mostly because they barely talked at all lately, but also because of the stink face Iwaizumi would pull whenever Oikawa's boyfriend was mentioned.

Oikawa knew how Iwa’s mother had reacted when she heard that he was gay, which was extremely badly, but Oikawa had heard from his best friend directly that he didn't share his mother's opinion. Still, he suspected that she had asked her son to put some distance between himself and Oikawa, as if he would catch it from being too close.

As much as Iwaizumi would antagonize him for all the extremely awful decisions he made continuously, his presence had always been and still was very soothing. It was the only thing he needed in this moment, so he grabbed his flip phone and dialled the number he knew by heart.

Iwaizumi answered with a friendly “Yup?”, but upon hearing what sounded like his best friend crying, he audibly stood up from his desk chair and started walking around his room. “Hey, what’s up?”

“He’s leaving and he broke up with me,” Oikawa said through tears, just barely comprehensibly. It’s not like he needed to blurt out a monologue about it anyway, he wasn’t going to speak more than he absolutely needed to.

Iwaizumi continued to go around his room, picking things up and moving quickly, obviously hurrying. “I know where he lives, do you want him dead?”

“I want you to come over, please,” Oikawa pleaded, having no time or energy for this silly outrage. There was no reason to hate him at all. It was all fair game. Oikawa had been warned beforehand, he knew what he was getting himself into before he did it, and he still did.

Iwaizumi was now running through his house for something, shoes maybe, a snack before he’d leave since it was basically still dinner time maybe, Oikawa didn’t know and didn’t ask. He heard Iwa’s mother ask him where he was going, and he didn’t even try to hide it, he said “Oikawa’s” clear and loud and unashamed.

“Hey, Oiks?” Came Iwaizumi’s voice once he was outside of his house, a bit winded from rushing so much, “I’ll be over in 5, alright? Stay exactly where you are, your mom will let me in. Don’t move.”

Oikawa’s mother did let him in, and Iwaizumi found Oikawa exactly where he had been sitting when he’d called him. On that couch in the basement, in the family room, where 4 years ago, he had fallen in love with him.

They didn’t say anything, no hellos, no questions, nothing. Iwaizumi sat next to Oikawa and hugged him, held him like he had rarely done before.

He had known the consequences, the possibilities, and he had still done it. He had still done it. And he knew he was going to be sad, he knew he was going to feel broken, but it was so easy to make that decision before he knew how that would feel like.

Slowly, piece by piece, Iwa-chan put him back together like only him knew how to do. When there wasn’t a need to speak, he didn’t speak. He allowed the silence to stay, and Oikawa cried without a noise. Just hot tears streaming down his face without a single noise.

Iwaizumi swore to himself that he would never let that happen again.

-

There was a house party at a third year’s house whose parents were gone for a work trip, and most of the other third years were going. Iwaizumi and Oikawa were going with the rest of their team, who they followed to most functions, otherwise they would constantly only be in each other’s companies. Not that they had a problem with that or anything.

Since Oikawa had been broken up with, him and Iwa-chan had pretty much gone back to the way things used to be between them. They were hanging out every day of the week, riding their bikes around town, throwing a volleyball around, watching the dumbest movies and helping each other with homework. They were their childhood selves again.

The party was in the basement of a huge house, most of the people who were already there were a bit drunk and there was a group of girls going around and checking all the cabinets in the house for more alcohol. The host’s older brother was sitting in the living room upstairs, yelling at them to get back downstairs or he’d kick them out. There was a beautiful chaos.

Oikawa wasn’t stupid, so he’d had a couple of drinks before he’d left his house. Drinking wasn’t really Iwa’s style, so he’d had a single beer and didn’t plan on drinking anything else all night. The rest of the team was pretty smashed, save for their manager who was still trying to get everyone in check.

The basement was stuffy and stinky with teen sweat, and Oikawa had a huge grin plastered to his face as they walked down the stairs together. It had been a while since he’d been invited to a thing like this, and even though he was pretending not to know why that was, he wasn’t as dumb as he let on. Either way, he was pretty glad to be there.

“So,” Iwaizumi said when they reached the bottom of the stairs, “what do you want to do first?”

“Shots,” Oikawa replied as his eyes began to sparkle.

Two hours later, when most of the house’s alcohol reserve had been drunk, when half of the teenagers who had been here partying were now laying around laughing or crying, and when the host’s older brother had gone to bed and asked for the volume to be turned down, Oikawa was cackling with his best friend in a bathroom, setting up a prank. Iwaizumi had been tempted to have a couple of shots himself by Oikawa’s sad, gorgeous hazel eyes, fixed on him until he gave in. He wasn’t being the responsible one out of the two of them anymore, that position had been left vacant for the duration of the event.

He wasn’t being forced, he had considered this possibility before coming in, and if there was fun to be had, he was going to have fun. So now he was a little bit drunk, and Oikawa was a lot drunk, and they were going to pull a prank on Kindaichi.

Iwaizumi knew how good a drunken prank could get, and that was not very much, so he wasn’t surprised when Oikawa’s big plan was just to get a bunch of paper towels in a wet, disgusting ball and throw it on Kindaichi’s head.

Oikawa’s plan had a problem too, if there was only one, and it was the after. They would surely have to flee, but he didn’t know where, he hadn’t prepared for it. So once the deed was done, he panicked, pushed Iwaizumi backwards, made him run across the hallway and forced him to get into the hallway’s closet. There were cleaning products and linen all around them, and they were two, 6-foot-tall and over, broad boys, stuffed together in a small closet, breathing each other’s air, drunk on alcohol and hormones.

Oikawa turned to face Iwaizumi, still laughing about his little prank and their impromptu run, only stopping when he noticed the blush on his best friend’s face. He had a couple more bursts of laughter, but they were quick and nervous.

Had he been sober, he would’ve never gotten closer. He would’ve never reached to touch Iwaizumi’s forearm, never dragged his fingers further up his arm, never circled his hand around his bicep, as much as he could. Oikawa took a second to thank the lord for those biceps in passing.

But drunk, he had nothing to lose. He wasn’t making things up, there was a blush on his friend’s face, and he was letting Oikawa touch him like that. He wasn’t making things up.

Iwaizumi was the one who pushed forward, damned all things to hell, touched this boy’s face and kissed him. It was not the kind of house party, 7 minutes in heaven closet kiss that was the custom, since it began with a soft, careful hand innocently brushing a cheek, was followed by an extremely nervous and jittery breath, then by the most awkward shuffling in the world, and finally, by a barely-there press of unexperienced lips.

Maybe they wouldn’t have had to think about it past that moment if it hadn’t lasted close to 10 minutes, or if it hadn’t evolved into this open-mouthed, wildly hungry make out session. They took breaks to breathe, but they didn’t take any to think. They did not, for a second, ever think of stopping. Their brains were on override.

They counted themselves lucky, the next day, to not have been at either one of their houses when that happened, because something else would have followed, something that would’ve made it so much harder to pretend it had never happened.

-

They did not hang out for a week after that, only seeing the other at volleyball practice and basically ignoring each other the rest of the time. Oikawa didn’t know what to think about it, and it was messing with him more than making him feel good. Yes, he had been longing and aching for years, but there was nothing satisfying about the way it was playing out.

Attributing it to a drunken mistake would’ve been ludicrous. He had kept count of how many drinks Iwaizumi had had, and it wasn’t enough in any universe.

They met one weekend to play bowling with the rest of the team, and Iwa sat next to Oikawa, acting like nothing had changed, like nothing happened. Oikawa stared him down, and when he only got a confused arched eyebrow in response, he accepted that it was just going to be like that. They were just going to ignore it.

He was too proud to admit how many times he had cried over this already, and his entire body was screaming at him not to go to the summer camp with him in two weeks, but he was too proud. They went together as planned, were officially hired as assistant coaches for the first-year teens and had to spend every waking second standing next to each other.

Oikawa’s head was boiling over, he had been led on too often and he didn’t know what to do with all the anger that was leaking out of him. He had no outlet, he had no one he could be honest with. His best friend had lost all ability to be honest with himself.

So when a fresh faced boy seemed to take a liking to Iwaizumi, following him around camp after the game was over, picking him for his team every single time they played, sitting next to him at lunch, always volunteering for outside excursions he planned and even going as far as picking the bunk right next to his’ on the first day, Oikawa had to laugh. Iwaizumi was completely oblivious, and Oikawa _had_ to laugh.

It took a couple of weeks before he was sure of it, but once he was, Oikawa started singling the boy out. He called on him every single time they needed a volunteer so they would spend time together, he organized outings so he could take him and his little friends along and nobody else, and he trapped him.

Iwaizumi was left sort of alone most of the time, now. Without his little pet and his best friend around most of the time, he was left to his own means, writing down possible plays and chilling in the empty cafeteria on most afternoons. He had no idea where everybody had gone suddenly, and he even started to wonder if they were just not inviting him to things anymore for some petty reason.

Maybe he started lurking around, maybe he started following them. He found out that Oikawa would spend most of his days with that boy, that first year who used to be strapped to his heel. He would be teaching him setting techniques, taking him for a swim in the lake or a walk in the woods. He felt quite bad for snooping when he realized it was mostly nothing harmful, but he kept doing it, because deep down he was hurt to not be taken along.

Then there came that fateful day when he saw something that broke him. Oikawa took Tobio out to the woods for what seemed to be another lake outing, and Iwaizumi stayed outside the line of the trees to look where they were going like he did most of the time now. He saw them sit on the rocks by the water for a couple minutes, so he sat down by the trees and pulled out the book he had been keeping on him for quiet moments. He looked up once in a while, but they were not moving at all.

He read a couple more pages, changed his seating position because his legs were going numb, and he looked up towards the lake with the intent to keep on reading afterwards. His eyes shifted around the scene because they had left their spot, and it took him a while to find them again. He was about to give up and assume that they had left when he finally spotted them, standing next to a tree, with Tobio’s back pressed to it while Oikawa kissed him deeply. Iwaizumi didn’t even have the heart to stay and watch with a sick fascination, he just darted away and stayed in the cafeteria for the rest of the day.

-

The aftermath of the closet kiss, Iwaizumi didn’t go to school. He pretended he was sick. He was terrified of losing his mother. He chose to erase it from his memory.

-

Oikawa knew that Iwa knew, and in a sick, twisted way, it made him happy. He suffered enough to rejoice in revenge, even though he knew it wasn’t right. Tobio was just a pawn, but Oikawa was his’ just as much. They were playing each other and none of them were going to win anything by the end.

Iwaizumi focused on the volleyball coaching side of the summer camp while Oikawa frolicked around, only speaking to him when he needed to vent about how Tobio was _almost_ as good as he was at setting, if not better. Iwa used these rare frustrations as balm on his wounds.

He waited for the whole thing to blow up, but he had to endure so much in the meantime. The one thing that pushed it much too far was on one of the last nights, when the lovebirds probably thought that it was now or never and Oikawa joined Tobio in bed at 1 in the morning, in the bunk right next to where Iwaizumi was trying to sleep.

They tried to be quiet, but that was not something they seemed to be good at. It was a miracle that they did not wake anyone else up, and that, if they did, none of them said anything.

Iwaizumi laid down in bed with his eyes wide open, staring at the mattress of the top bunk up ahead and grabbed a fist full of his comforter with rage. He knew Oikawa was playing around, he knew that the point was to make him jealous, but it was just making him miserable. Iwaizumi wasn’t ignoring his attraction and love for Oikawa for fun, he was doing it because if he indulged, he would ruin his entire family life.

He heard the noise that Oikawa makes when he comes for the first time in his life that night, and he was lying alone in the next bed over, slowly tearing up.

-

Iwaizumi sat next to Oikawa on the bus home before Tobio could even think about it, stretching his legs until his knees touched the seats before him. Oikawa side-eyed him, squinting with confusion at first until a small smile appeared on his face. Oikawa slumped in his seat too, watching Tobio walk by when he entered the bus, his little smirk still on his lips. Tobio raised his eyebrows at them but kept walking, moving to the back of the bus.

“Beautiful day out,” Iwa said, refusing to look outside and only staring at his own lap.

Oikawa turned to him and sighed. “Yes, beautiful.”

Then they did not speak for the entire bus ride, but Oikawa did offer Iwa an earbud some time into the trip, which he accepted.

-

If Iwaizumi had listened to his gut feeling, he would’ve taken time away from Oikawa to think about what he wanted, what he deserved and what he was ready to do to get those things. The problem, though, was that he could not stand the thought of Oikawa meeting other people and getting into troublesome relationships. He knew it wasn’t healthy, but he knew that Oikawa would keep playing with him until he got what he wanted, and he would’ve rather seen it coming. Keep your friends close, your enemies closer and your best friend that you’re in love with closest.

They hung out as usual, at either of their houses, but they did opt for Oikawa’s house more often than not. His basement was their safe haven, where they could spend time together without anyone watching.

Most nights, they just watched movies, did homework or talked. Their discussions would go from anything about school, volleyball, their future, where they wanted to study, or where they wanted to live.

On one particular gloomy October night, Iwaizumi paused the movie they were watching and turned to Oikawa expectantly.

Oikawa only glared at him with mild shock, obviously a bit upset. Iwa brushed it off with a click of the tongue.

“If we… if we don’t study in the same city, that means that we’ll be separated for 3 years. Won’t it?”

Oikawa’s scowling expression fell, and a sweet smile appeared on his lips. “It’s a bit soon to start missing me already, don’t you think?”

“No, I mean…” Iwa stopped for a moment, suddenly staring at the floor. “If I’m not here to give you attention, I don’t want you to keep trying to make me jealous.”

Oikawa was stunned for a good moment, with his wide, offended eyes glued to Iwa’s bashful face.

“Oh my God,” he said with a nervous laugh. “I… I don’t… what?”

“You have to promise me. You can date if you want, I don’t care… but don’t do it for me, don’t do it to make me angry. The choices I’ve made were never to hurt you. I hurt myself the most. I don’t need more.”

Oikawa stared blankly, tears welling up in his eyes but not falling. He knew he went too far, constantly. He acted in reckless ways, taking decisions that only did so much as to hurt him, hurt Iwa and ruin him emotionally. He had never understood why Iwa had not completely cut him out of his life after the stunt he had pulled. He wanted happiness so much that he had been ready to put his only source of joy in danger in the chance of obtaining more. Unfortunately, it didn’t quite work like that, and all it did was make him sadder and deeply, deeply damaged.

When Oikawa thought back on his shenanigans, he rarely considered Iwaizumi’s feelings towards them. He was too busy feeling cheated and hurt. Obviously, he knew why he had been doing all this, but there had still been a doubt in his mind that it had worked. He still hardly believed it, if he was being honest. He didn’t know why Iwa would do this to himself after trying so hard to ignore it.

He loved him so much, and he refused to ever do him harm again. If this was to be a promise, for a future where Iwaizumi would be open to develop this without fear, Oikawa was ready to do anything. He would agree on Iwa’s terms, all of them, but first he had to cry about it a little bit.

“I don’t want you to keep yourself from living, but I don’t want you to live for me.”

Iwaizumi’s leg shook with nervousness, and a tear finally fell from Oikawa’s eye.

“I’ll probably be ready someday. I’ll have to mourn… this life. But you’ll know it, when I’m ready.”

Oikawa sniffed, lifted his head up to look at the ceiling and shook his head yes softly, just a tiny bit. Iwaizumi looked up at him and gave a sad smile, reaching over to grab Oikawa’s hand and squeeze it tightly.

-

Oikawa had chosen a university that was close enough to home so he could visit every weekend, but that wasn’t close enough to live at home. That had been completely intentional, even though he would never admit that to his family. His sister was living in the same town as his parents with her husband and children, everybody he knew was still there, so he did not want to insult anyone by saying he had wanted to get away as soon as he’d had the chance.

Iwaizumi had not chosen to go to the same place as him, instead staying much closer to home and living with his mother in the city.

They hung out ever so often, Oikawa coming over sometimes when he visited his family on the weekends. Since they were of drinking age now, they would often hang out with old teammates at small pubs or bars. When the evenings became the early mornings, Oikawa would follow Iwa home and lay with him on his bed, retelling old stories and laughing until they fell with exhaustion. Only after Iwa’s mother left for work in the mornings would Oikawa walk back home, living on 4 hours of sleep and having to entertain his nephews all afternoon.

On the last week of their second year in university, while Iwa was drunk at 4 am, laying on his bed with his head towards the end of the bed and his legs propped up on the wall, he proposed a plan. Oikawa had been dating the same guy for over a year, but Iwaizumi had this tendency to assume that that wouldn’t last much outside of uni, so he tended to say things that completely isolated this guy out of their plans. Oikawa didn’t care much about that fact.

“What if, once we’re done with uni, we just move together in Tokyo? You could work at your father’s firm over there and I could… work literally anywhere. They need software engineers everywhere.”

Oikawa snorted and laughed until he got the clue that this wasn’t a joke. “Tokyo? Why Tokyo? You’re a big city boy now?”

“I just want to… get away. I figured, if I was to leave this place, I should actually seek an experience as different as possible. I could be a big city boy, I don’t know as long as I don’t try.”

Oikawa smiled, his gaze going soft the way it only did with Iwa. “And you want us to live together? You think that’s a good idea? What if I’m not single?”

Iwaizumi had his eyes closed, but he did not seem to be that sleepy. “I never implied you had to be single.”

Oikawa sighed, then smiled again, and mimicked Iwa’s position next to him. “You say that.”

Iwaizumi opened his eyes to look at him and he shrugged at his remark. “We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it, if you actually want to do it that is.”

“I think this is what our relationship needs to be less complicated, for us to be roommates.”

Oikawa gave a sneaky smile and Iwa turned his head back towards the ceiling again, shutting his eyes once more. “My mom won’t like it, which really makes me want to do it.”

Oikawa hummed gently as he turned on his side and pulled a blanket over him. “Me too.”

-

The day they moved it, they did it all on their own. They did not contact family or a moving company, opting instead to rent a truck, get all their stuff inside of it and move it all themselves. When they got there and realized they had forgotten that the building didn’t have an elevator, they had a hard time finding a way to get the bigger pieces up the stairs. They could’ve bought gear from a hardware store, but it was already late and most of them were already closed. On top of that, they had to give the truck back before 11pm.

A friendly neighbour, by the name of Kuroo Tetsurou, heard them struggle with the oven downstairs and decided to come to their aid. He shook their hands as he introduced himself, making sure to tell them both that it was no trouble at all. He had been a mover at some point in his past, so that was no big deal at all.

All three of them, stuck in the narrow staircase, brought the heavy oven up to the second floor and into the apartment. It took a lot more time once they tackled the refrigerator, which was about twice the weight of the oven. It took them a while, and they ended up sweating through their clothes, but they got it up there.

As they celebrated with a beer, sitting on their empty living room floor, Kuroo got to know them and they got to know Kuroo, and that was history from there.

-

Iwaizumi was thinking about it every waking moment. He knew he was going to do it, the question was when. He wouldn’t have to tell his mother right away. He just had to make sure he was feeling good with himself regarding that. He had to accept it about himself first before he would go about telling people. He had never told Oikawa in a formal way either. All Oikawa knew was, kiss good, talking about it bad.

All his life, he had known. He had tried not to think about it, but as those thoughts usually tended to do, they stayed at the back of his mind. When Oikawa had come out, Iwaizumi’s first thought had been _how_. How do you do it? How are you not scared? How are you so… honest?

He knew how, now. It hadn’t been bravery, or even foolishness, but rather just… truth. He hadn’t been able to keep the truth out, because he had wanted to live fully. Living while ignoring this part of him would’ve been unconceivable to him. It was becoming more and more unconceivable for Iwa as well.

It shouldn’t have been this scary, if only the world hadn’t been that unfair. He stared at his hands, then at his own face in the mirror. He wondered if he was ready to give up genuine experiences for easiness and comfort. Like every single time he had asked himself that question, the answer was no.

-

Oikawa was coming out of dinner with Kuroo, and it had started snowing on Tokyo. Kuroo looked up at the sky in awe, feeling the snowflakes fall unto his face and melt instantly.

“What’s going on?” He had asked this as if the answer wouldn’t just be _it is snowing_.

“Oh, right,” Oikawa commented, pulling out his hand to catch some flakes. “This doesn’t happen here. Back home, it snows like this all the time. That must be pretty rare, right?”

Kuroo nodded, stuffing his hands into his pockets and raising his shoulders to shield his ears. “I’ve literally never seen this happen. It’s never been so cold here either.”

They crossed the street and headed to the bus stop, the heavy wind and snowflakes blowing in their faces. Once they got in there, they hid inside the bus stop and kept an eye out for the bus that would shortly be coming their way.

“Do you miss home?” Kuroo had asked this while still riveted by the snow falling from the sky.

Oikawa smiled sweetly, still looking out in the distance for the bus. “Yes and no. I miss my nephews, I miss my mom, but I don’t miss… much else.”

“I could never leave my mom,” Kuroo admitted, and then seemed to think back to how that sounded. “What a great thing for a young man to confess, right?”

Oikawa had a short laugh, shaking his head softly as he looked down at the ground. “At least it’s honest.”

On the bus ride home, Oikawa showed Kuroo pictures of his family, but mostly picture of his nephews (he had about a thousand in his phone). The restaurant wasn’t extremely far from their building, so it didn’t take too long before they got to their stop.

As they walked home, Kuroo stole a couple glances at Oikawa before he spoke again.

“Do you like the city? Must be a huge change for you.”

Oikawa smiled again, with the snow making him nostalgic and his heart knowing the answer to the question very well. “Here is… easy.”

“Mmh,” Kuroo replied as he put his hands back into his pockets. “I used to be good at math and physics and I chose to do music cause that’s what I wanted to do, so… I’ve never thought Tokyo was so easy.”

Oikawa gave Kuroo an understanding look, and he then had a small grin as he looked at the sky. “I… always chose to do everything in the easiest of ways. I made sure to study law so I could work at my father’s firm and I didn’t even need to finish school before he gave me work. I just… wanted to start living as soon as possible, and I didn’t think there was anything I was passionate about enough to give away time and money to do it. Plus, here I get to be with Iwa-chan.”

Kuroo had a tight smile as he shook his head yes. “Yeah, I get that. I mean, if you’re happy, what’s the harm?”

“And obviously… I’m miserable.” Oikawa had said that with a bright smile, making Kuroo chuckle.

-

He was sitting on the couch with Oikawa, watching a movie of his choosing while his best friend filled his nails. The noise didn’t bother him so much, and anyway, he figured he would have to get used to things like this pretty quickly if he wanted to live harmoniously with the guy.

Oikawa moved to sit on the floor, between Iwa’s legs. It seemed innocent; it was not. Oikawa had just attempted to break up with his boyfriend the night before, and he had tried to work things out and refused to understand that it was final. For Oikawa though, he figured he had been clear enough.

Once the movie ended, Iwa had been rubbing Oikawa’s shoulders for a while. He was trying to relieve some tension, having noticed that Oikawa was sitting very stiffly with his shoulders tight and straight. The show that followed the movie was more of a background noise now.

Oikawa looked over his shoulder, and as soon as he caught Iwa’s eyes and saw a certain sparkle in them, he rushed up from the floor and crawled onto his lap. He grabbed his face with both hands, staring into his eyes with an unshakable will. He was tired of waiting, so he could barely imagine what it had been like for Iwa. Still, he needed an answer, he had to have approbation. He could feel his limbs buzzing, his heart thumping and his blood coursing through his veins, hyperaware of every single one of his senses.

Iwaizumi was obviously overwhelmed, his expression blank and his mouth hanging slightly open. He was making a thousand choices a second, choosing his path, but knowing his destination. He knew the only end this could have, so he stopped second guessing himself.

He picked up his courage and looked in Oikawa’s eyes, smirking just a bit before he spoke. “Hey.”

“Hi,” Oikawa whispered on his lips, and in a breath, they were connected.

Iwaizumi’s mind went blank and he felt his entire body freeze. The only part of him that dared to move, were his lips against Oikawa’s lips. Slowly, hesitantly, his hands moved, halting on Oikawa’s hips, moving up to his waist, holding his sides, shaking. His legs moved afterwards, his thighs parting just a bit to move Oikawa’s leg up. When Oikawa wrapped his arms around his neck, Iwaizumi’s neck moved, throwing his head back and sinking his body lower on the couch. At a tranquil pace, his body woke up, allowing him to circle his arms around Oikawa’s waist and pull him closer. He spoke words into his mouth, words of longing and apologies and obscenities. Oikawa laughed, kissed him again, and laughed again.

Iwaizumi was feeling the same flames engulf him than he had that time in the closet. Now, though, he was choosing this with a clear mind, and he knew he had no intention to ever pretend like it hadn’t happened.

They kissed the entire time they walked to Oikawa’s bedroom, laying together in his bed and sharing a hungry, lively kiss as they pulled on each other’s clothes, loosening up belts and buttons.

Oikawa had gotten on top of him again at some point, and he was smiling against Iwa’s mouth, quickly becoming distracted by his giddiness and having to completely break the kiss to laugh freely. He rested his forehead against Iwaizumi’s shoulder, letting the pressure of years of waiting go with unstoppable laughter. Iwa chuckled, taking a hand to the back of Oikawa’s head to hold him there.

Once Oikawa had calmed down a bit and was now just giggling for a couple of seconds before he’d sigh, breathe hard for a bit, and then chuckle again.

Iwaizumi held him for what felt like an hour, running his hand through his hair and rocking him gently. He was breathing so deeply now, trying to calm his heartbeat by taking deep breaths, getting as much oxygen into his veins as possible.

As his fingers parted through soft hair, and his breath brushed against the shell of an ear, he spoke words he had been keeping in since his youth, or at least, had tried to.

Oikawa had heard him say that once, when they were 16 and he had been woken up by a nightmare in the middle of a sleepover. Iwaizumi had held him until he had calmed down, and right before he was about to fall asleep again, he told him that he loved him. Oikawa had always thought that it had been a dream, but now that he was hearing it from the same mouth again, he knew it hadn’t been. It was the same voice (if only a tad deeper now), the same words and the same emotion.

He started crying instantly. Oikawa would’ve argued that, being a cancer, it was expected, and completely out of his control. He cried at anything, and frankly, it had been embarrassing in the past, but now he was owning it. Iwa only held him tighter, repeating these words into his ear with an increasingly desperate voice.

_“I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.”_

It had taken years, and now it took minutes for Oikawa to be able to speak again. He sniffled and choked on air, sobbing in Iwa’s neck until his body had gone too weak to allow him to tremble. When he began to feel so tired that his breathing evened out, making him sound practically asleep already, he managed an answer.

“And I love you.”

-

It had been a week already.

Iwaizumi had now moved all of his things into Oikawa’s room, leaving the vacant room as a guest bedroom. The bigger questions that were still unanswered were how, when and where Iwaizumi was going to tell his mother. He would, of course. It had only been a week, but it has also been a lifetime. He knew this was the only person he belonged with. The price would have to be paid.

There was, though, a tiny, little problem. They had tried a couple of times, letting their kisses get too far, letting playful teeth drag onto skin and even groping places they had only dreamt about ever touching on each other. But, every time it came to _it_ , one or both of them blocked, feeling incapable of going through with it.

The first hiccup was that Oikawa had experience, lots of it, while Iwaizumi had slim to none. He wasn’t self-conscious, per se, he was just afraid of what Oikawa was expecting. He knew next to nothing about what _could_ be done, let alone how to do them. Iwa knew that Oikawa wouldn’t judge him and that he would help him find his way around… everything. That meant that there was much, much more to this issue.

Iwaizumi could not stop remembering Oikawa’s small child face, the holes in his teeth when he smiled aged 6, his little run when they used to play tag and his shrieks when they watched scary movies that they definitely had no business watching.

They had spent their lives together, watching each other grow from children to horny teens, and now that they were adults, they had to find a way to make things work without feeling strange about it. It was easier when they were teenagers, being so blinded by their hormones that they would’ve done it in their childhood homes without so much as a second thought.

They were too aware now. Oikawa had burst out laughing halfway through getting undressed just a couple of days ago, recalling a time when Iwa had peed his pants in kindergarten because he had been unable to unzip his pants in time. They did have a good time anyway, telling each other old stories, but they still had that itch at the back of their minds. They wondered if they would ever be able to get past that.

They tried to look at each other with just lust, which wasn’t the difficult part. They were very capable of doing that, and of getting each other going. It was as soon as it was time to act that they became incapable of going through with it.

They spent their evening cuddling in bed, talking, watching movies and playing games. Oikawa had a lot more patience that Iwaizumi had ever thought he was capable of. When Iwa was the one who couldn’t let it happen, Oikawa would kiss him softly until he would stop apologizing and he was ready to go to bed.

On the seventh night of the same thing happening over and over, they decided they would take a break with trying and let things settle before they would attempt again. Iwaizumi felt stupid and even neglectful, knowing full well that Oikawa had left his previous boyfriend to be with him and that he wasn’t getting his needs met like he used to anymore.

He never thought he would ever come to this kind of conclusion, but he realized he had to get back into the mindset of his 16-year-old self.

-

The nights were so bright in the city. There was barely a star visible in the sky. Through the windows of their apartment, the moonlight and the light pollution from the streetlights flooded in, creating a strange glow that made is seem like there was a candle lit in every room. It was in that glow, in that setting, that Iwaizumi walked in his bedroom to his boyfriend lying in bed, reading, and naked.

He was taken aback for a second, then he remembered how many times he had seen him naked and had to debate his late-night teenaged actions for a really long time to make sure he could live with himself.

“Good evening,” Oikawa sung, turning the page of his book with painful finesse. Iwaizumi stared.

He stood in the doorway and tried to swallow down the lump in his throat.

“Not a museum,” Oiks added, tilting his head to the side and letting the light hit his neck. He knew his angles.

Primal urges can be as simple as protecting your family from harm or getting jealous when you see your lover with someone else, but they can also be losing your entire shit at the sight of your partner naked in bed, talking smack, and looking the best he’s ever looked.

Iwaizumi was thinking to himself how unworthy he was as he approached the bed, sat on it, towered over Oikawa and took his own clothes off. _I’m not the kind of person who should have these privileges. I should not be allowed to live this experience. I need to make him proud. He needs to know I’m serious._

Oikawa was in an unflinchingly horny mood, nothing could derail his train of thought on this night, no matter how gross or funny the memory was. He was having wet dreams again, like some kind of child, and he was needy in general, so this had been very hard on him. He had never gone through a blockage like that, and it had certainly never happened to someone who wanted to sleep with him either.

He guided Iwaizumi, circled his fingers around his wrists and moved his hands for him when he needed, taught him how to interpret his sounds, praised him for a job well done and allowed him to take control with his instinct.

This night, 2 weeks after they had officially started dating, Iwaizumi heard the noise that Oikawa makes when he comes for the second time in his life, right into his ear. And the third time too. And fourth.

-

_The air was biting cold on his warm face, hitting him in sharp bursts. The door swung closed behind him and he looked over his shoulder when it slammed shut. It was 1 am, so he winced and hoped that no one had heard that._

I hope he won’t hate me.

_Oikawa had walked to the railing at the edge of the roof and his nails chipped the paint on the metal fence standing between safe grounds and a 3 story fall. Kuroo walked up to him, frowning softly with more worry than curiosity. He had only known this guy for a couple of months, so the theatricality of this entire hassle was too extreme to be trivial._

Please don’t hate me.

_Oikawa closed his eyes and let the silence settle between them again, allowing it to speak for him way more than he would’ve expected. The wind brushed his hair to the side softly despite its strength, and from the momentary content look on his face, Kuroo could tell that the feeling had been soothing enough to ease his panic temporarily._

Keep being my friend, please.

_“When I moved here,” Oikawa started once the gust of wind died down, “I thought I was just moving in with my best friend until we would both settle down someplace and move on.”_

_Oikawa crossed his arms over the fence and looked straight down at the sidewalk. “But, hum, I guess this isn’t what’s happening anymore.”_

_Kuroo nodded slowly. “I know.”_

_Oikawa raised his head and stared at Kuroo with hope in his eyes. “You know?”_

He knows. He doesn’t care. Hah.

_“Fucking hell,” Oikawa cursed as he held on to the railing and sat down on the roof. Then he laughed, freely and uncontrollably. He had both hands in his face to hide his red cheeks and he just giggled until Kuroo gave in, sat with him and laughed with him._

“Everybody back home knows,” Oikawa explained, the lights of the city reflecting in his teary eyes. “They don’t know about Iwa, but they know I’m gay. I thought it was only fair that I told you, since you’re my friend.”

Kuroo seemed to be flattered to be called a friend. He smirked and gave Oikawa a good pat in the back. Then, when he noticed that Oikawa had started crying for real now, he pulled him in for a hug and held him until he stopped, and then longer after that. They were happy tears, so this was a celebration. They did not leave the rooftop until it became too uncomfortably cold to stay there, never leaving that embrace. Kuroo was one of the best people Oikawa had ever met.

-

“Mom?”

“No mom, it’s not his fault. I would be that way with or without him.”

“I’ve always been gay. It’s not new. I know you’re hurt.”

“Mom, he’s my person. Try to understand. I’d never do this just to hurt you.”

“Mom, I love him. I have for a decade and I always will.”

“Mom, please, just… mom? Mom?”

-

Iwaizumi was sitting in bed with Oikawa curled against his back, his arms crossed around his neck. He had just gotten off the phone with his mom, which he was slowly realizing was probably not considering herself his mother anymore. A grief like this was going to take a while. He had given up family life completely for the right to be himself. One day, he would see it as a good thing, but now, all it did was hurt.

Oikawa hated to see him cry, because Iwa-chan was not like him, he did not cry unless he was completely, utterly broken.

In the week that followed, Iwaizumi was added to Oikawa’s family group chat, he was formally invited to every single holiday party they would throw and he was given his own shelf on the wall of Oikawa’s parents’ house, with his graduation photo, his medals and trophies from his volleyball days (that Oikawa’s mom had gotten from her now estranged friend), and tons of pictures of him and Oikawa. The first time Iwaizumi saw it, he cried again, but it was a good cry, something he had never experienced before.

-

The first time Iwa had to leave abroad for work was the hardest time. Oikawa was getting better with it every time. It was incredibly difficult, being separated like that, but it made Iwaizumi take things into perspective. That perspective being, _I never want to be away from him like this again_.

It allowed them to grow, though, to know that they weren’t only together because they had been their whole lives, but because they wanted and needed to be. Iwaizumi knew a life with Oikawa was the best life he could dream of, and it wasn’t even a dream. It only made leaving that much harder.

That one fateful morning, Iwaizumi had left late for his plane and had barely had the time to say goodbye to Oikawa. In his rush to the airport, he realized he had forgotten to plug is phone for the night and that it was now dead. He would’ve stopped at a shop to buy a charger if only he hadn’t been so late already.

He got into his plane after nearly missing it, and it took over 12 hours before he was able to plug his phone, and even longer before he could call Oikawa because of the sheer amount of messages that he had received while he was gone. All the messages were from Oikawa, but he chose to call him instead of reading them.

_Kuroo had a sweet smile plastered on his face as he listened to Oikawa, watching as the boy's eyes glistened with the remaining moisture of the tears he hadn’t shed. As they smiled at each other with that everything-is-okay-now certainty, Oikawa's phone started ringing and he fumbled with it in a drunken panic._

_The phone wasn't even on his ear when he started speaking way louder than necessary. "I love you, you didn't hear me this morning and, yeah, I love you."_

“Oikawa, you dumb-… I love you too. Sorry about this morning, I overslept and almost missed my flight. I know I scared you, sorry.”

_"Yeah, and don't worry about me, I'm not doing anything dumb."_

Iwaizumi could hear that Oikawa was drunk off his ass. “Right,“ he said anyway, grinning widely. “So, you can call me here anytime you want, phone works everywhere. If you want to skype though you need to warn me because the internet in this hotel sucks ass.”

“Okay,” Oikawa replied, his voice sweet like he’d just had a poem read to him. “I miss you already.”

Iwaizumi smiled to himself, and it was a bit of a sad smile, but he knew they would be okay in the end. “I miss you too.”

The phone call ended in their usual goodbyes, and Iwaizumi decided he needed a quick jet lag nap before he would get on with his day. It was nowhere near night-time here, as it was in Japan.

Just as he was about to fall asleep, fully dressed laying on top of his covers in his hotel room, he received a video from Kuroo of his boyfriend rolling around in his bed, giggling madly. He watched it with furrowed brows, until he received a selfie of the both of them with the caption “ _don’t worry I’m babysitting him_ ”. Ha. So Oikawa was THAT drunk off his ass. Classic, really.

-

The day Kuroo and Tsukishima moved out, Iwa and Oikawa took the decision that they would soon have to move out too. Their lives in this apartment building had been one of growth and discoveries, but it was time to go beyond. A house would be nice, they could have a dog, maybe. Oikawa was already browsing for lawn decorations that night, once he got to bed. At around half past midnight, Iwaizumi got out of bed, pulled the drawer of his end table and pulled a tiny box out, walked over to Oikawa’s side of the bed and kneeled next to him. Oikawa took his eyes away from the family of pink lawn flamingos that he had been staring at for 5 minutes and turned his head slowly to look at his boyfriend. He threw his phone aside and sat up, covering his mouth with his hands and already visibly crying.

“I can’t sleep because I keep thinking about being with you forever. You can decorate the lawn any way you want, you can get as many dogs as you want, as long as I’m with you, I don’t care. I don’t know how long it’ll take before we can actually go through with this, but for now, do you wanna be… engaged to me? And then marry me eventually?”

Oikawa’s hands were shaking like leaves and he was now crying and sniffling uncontrollably.

Eventually, he found the way to words, and the words he chose were: “I was looking at flamingos!”

Iwaizumi had an enamoured chuckle, opening the small box and putting it on the mattress next to Oikawa’s crying form. It was beautiful, simple, a silver band with small diamonds forming a line all around the middle. “I bought this 5 years ago. For you.”

Oikawa took his hands away slowly and gasped, shocked beyond belief and quite simply overwhelmed. He shook his head at his boyfriend as the tears kept coming.

“Iwa-chan,” he said with desperation, letting him take his hands and lace their fingers together. He dropped his head, letting the tears fall right on the sheets. “You’re… how? How did I… get here?”

Iwa had a sweet smile, rubbing the back of Oikawa’s hand with his thumb. “I love you,” he simply said.

“You want to marry me? _Me_?” Oikawa sniffed a couple of times and tried to catch his breath.

“Yeah,” Iwaizumi answered as he shook his head, tears welling up in his eyes now. Oikawa had rarely seen him this serious about something. “Yeah.”

He then took the ring and, with the utmost care, put it on Oikawa’s shaking finger. Oikawa stared at it with his lips parted in complete shock, amazed by the situation, the implications, and the simply perfect fit of the ring.

“Got your ring size from your mother,” Iwaizumi explained, as if he had read Oikawa’s mind.

“5 years ago?” Oikawa asked in his most disbelieving voice.

“Yes,” Iwaizumi replied proudly. “I was waiting for it to be… legal. I don’t want to wait for you to wear it anymore.”

Oikawa sucked in a breath and somehow started producing more tears than he had before. Iwa had a quick laugh as the sight, but it was all love.

“You didn’t say yes or no,” Iwaizumi pointed out, and what that got him was Oikawa’s whole body latched onto him, a scream of _YES_ into his ear and a couple of angry neighbours.


End file.
